I Want To Be A Scary Old Woman

Yes, I want to be THAT woman!

Yes, I want to be THAT woman!

The other night the husband and I watched the horror film Dolls. Now, I had never watched the film before. So, there I was laughing my ass off at the scenes of dolls murdering people with little knives when I was entranced by the character of Hilary Hartwicke, an old woman with a penchant for dolls. For a while I couldn’t figure out why I was attracted to a character dressed like a Edwardian headmistress and then it finally occurred to me; I want to be a crazy old woman who lives in an old Victorian house.

I think it would be awesome being a scary old woman living in a crumbling Victorian. Here are the fun things I could do!

-Keep toys that children throw into my yard.
-Own as many cats as I damn well please!
-Sit out on my poach in a rocking chair and just look into space with a menacing look upon my face.
-Bring spider shaped cookies to my new neighbors, making sure to blacken my teeth to up the scare affect.
-Start a chainsaw in the middle of the night in my basement.
-Dig a hole in my backyard, also in the middle of the night.

What’s cool about being a scary old woman is that you will be considered eccentric by many and you can get away with almost anything. For instance, when you are out grocery shopping you can give children being pushed around in carts by their mothers evil looks and make them cry. Fun times! The best time of year would be Halloween! My scary house would be the one in town that kids would dare their friends to go up to. My front door would automatically be a gateway into the evil unknown! Neat!

Fashion is important if you’re a scary old woman, so I could dress like Miss Havisham from Great Expectations and practice my walk so that it looks like I’m gliding over the pavement. Once in a while I would even dress in garish colors just to up my scary level a bit. Most of my hair is naturally white already, so all I would have to do is not dye my hair for a while and I have instant scary old lady hair!

Yep, she's dead!

Yep, she’s dead!

Decorating is important so I would put Victorian momento mori photos all over my walls. Nothing says scary old woman more than photos of dead people! The furniture would be heavy and dark and there would be various tacky and frightening knickknacks covering all surfaces. The outside of the house, would of course, be unkempt. I wouldn’t paint the house, instead I would allow the natural patina of the old wood to shine through. The grass outside would never be mowed and bushes and trees would be allowed to go wild.

I would make a great scary old woman, wouldn’t I?

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